It’s Christmas morning. Tom, and Timmy wake up at the crack of dawn. They both run down the hall to drag their parents out of bed, and fly down the stairs to the presents around the tree.
Tom sends a whirlwind of paper flying in every direction, at last he is finished opening his presents. Tom has all these great presents: a video game system, a Nerf gun that shoots 8 projectiles, an electric train set, and a new bicycle. But then he notices that Timmy only got one present. A Matchbox car, which he’s pushing back, and forth in the corner.
“Gee, Timmy,” Tom says, “I guess I sure got more presents than you this year.”
Timmy says, “Yeah, well at least I don’t have cancer.”
Q: What has two legs, but can’t walk?
A: Half a dog.
Q: What’s black and white and can’t go through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?
-Neither did she.
Q: Why didn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?
A: She was wearing mittens.
Q: How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
A: Break her fingers.
Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she’s a woman.
A doctor is meeting with a patient who hadn’t seen a physician in 20 years.
Doctor: “I just got your test results back, and unfortunately none of it is good news. In fact, you’re suffering from two different very serious conditions.”
Patient: “Well doc, tell me about the worst first, just to get it out of the way.”
Doctor: “All right. You have a very advanced case of an incurable form of cancer. You have, at maximum, one month to live.”
Patient: “Wow. That’s pretty bad. So what’s the other condition?”
Doctor: “You have a quite advanced case of Alzheimer’s, with some severe neurological degeneration.”
Patient: “Wow. That’s pretty bad. But I guess I should be thankful; at least I don’t have cancer!”
Lunch Time Brothers
During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on a the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of an I-beam to eat their lunch.
One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. “I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I’m going to jump off this building.” But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.
Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. “If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I’m going to jump off this building.” But he still bites into the sandwich.
Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. “If I get perogies one more time, I swear I’m going to jump off this building,” he says.
So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it’s perogies, and jumps himself.
At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.
“I don’t understand!” the wife of the Irishman says. “If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!”
The wife of the Italian sighs. “I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese–I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!”
The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. “I don’t understand,” she said. “He always packed his own lunch!”
The Baked Cat wishes everyone a very happy, and intoxicating Fourth of July!