A man walks into a diner, goes up to the counter, and orders a bowl a chili. The waitress says “That man sitting next to you just ordered the last bowl.” The man was just sitting there, not eating the chili, for a while.
‘Are you going to eat that?’ the first man asked. ‘No, you can have it if you want,’ the second man answered. So he took the bowl and started eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he was chewing, and felt a crunch. The man looked down, and saw half of a rat sitting in the chili. He immediately threw up, all over the table, managing to get some back into the bowl.
The second man said, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got too.”
Hitler and his generals are going over his plans for the Jews. “I’m going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown.”
One of his generals asks, “Why a clown?”
Hitler responds, “See I told you no one cares about the Jews!”
A man goes to the local bar, and asks the bartender,”Hey what’s a good beer for tonight friend?”
The bartender replies, “I’m always a fan of Blue Moon.”
The man instantly appalled says, “No way the last time I got drunk on that, I had to crawl home, and when I finally made it in the door, I blew chunks.”
The bartender replies, “Well that’s to be expected when you get drunk, you’re old enough to know that.”
The man replies, “I don’t think you understand, Chunks is my dog.”
Q: What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Q: Did you hear the one about the child with AIDs?
A: It never gets old.
Q: What’s the difference between a feminist, and a hockey player?
A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
Q: What’s better than winning the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
Q: What’s the difference between acne, and a Catholic priest?
A: Acne waits until 13 to come all over your face.
Q: Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?
A: It wasn’t born yesterday.
So a janitor is doing his rounds, and cleaning up a church he works at, when the priest comes out frantic from the back. He approaches the janitor, exhaling profusely, “I’m so sorry, sir, I really have to take a shit… I’ve been holding it for the last hour, I’m about to make a mess of myself! Please, I’ll need you to cover! May you, my child?”
The janitor looks around, “I don’t know if I know exactly how to…”, The Priest replies “it’s nothing, just sit in the confession booth, and wait. I should not be too long. A few hail Mary’s, and send them on their way, unless it’s something you feel you shouldn’t, in which case seek help from one of our nuns.”
The priest leaves, and the janitor sits in the confession booth and waits… Finally, a man walks in: “Forgive me my father for I have sinned… I forged a check from my office, and I fear I will lose my job if the CEO finds out.”
The janitor replies: “You shall be fine, say 10 Hail Mary’s, my child.”
The next comes in, “Forgive me father for I have sinned… I slept with my neighbors wife…”, he thinks to himself, it’s bad, but it happens. “30 Hail Mary’s, and 10 Our Fathers’ my son, God bless.”
The next comes in, a young woman, with worry in her voice, “Uh, forgive me, but I’ve sinned… Bad. I got drunk with a few boys… About 10, maybe more, and let them all have sex with me… But I’m a virgin, so, you know… Not there. My mouth, too.”
“Oh shit”, he thinks, “let me think my child.” He runs out seeking help, but no one. Finally, he sees a lonely choir boy walking with lit candles… “choir boy! I’m sorry, this may be blunt, but what would the priest give for… Well, blowjobs and anal…”
The choir boy responds, “about $10 and a snickers.”