A little black Jewish boy says to his daddy, “Dad am I more black or Jewish?”
“Why do you ask?”, says the Dad.
The boy says, “Well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can’t decide if I want to haggle him down to $100 or just steal it.”
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree.
A caterpillar gets on the Romanian’s shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it.
Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up, and asks the Somali: “Do you want to buy a caterpillar?”
Two hippies take a hike up to the mountains. They reach the top, and as they look across the beauty of the land, they notice that nearby there are two aliens. Shocked, the couple didn’t know how to respond. The aliens alerted to the intruders, looked directly at them, and signaled they had no intentions of harming the couple.
After some discussion, the aliens, and the hippies decided to swap partners to find out what sex would be like. The female hippie walks off with the male alien, and the male alien drops his pants. She looks down and sees the smallest penis she had ever seen in her life. She burst out laughing in his face, until the male alien explained. “Punch me in the face to make it as long as you can handle, and pull my ears to make it wider.” Show she punches him a few times, then slaps him a couple, and after all that foreplay, she discovers that was the best sex she has ever had in her life.
They go back to meet up with the male hippie, and the female alien, and the male hippie looks worn out.
“So how was it for you?” He asks. Hesitant to speak the truth, she responds: ” It wasn’t so bad, how about for you?”
“I have the worst fucking headache of my life, and my ears are on fire, can we just go home already?!”
One day two brothers were raking in the front yard.
The older brother, who is 7, says, “Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!”
The younger brother, who is 5, nods with excitement.
The next day, the their mother says, “What do you want for breakfast?” to the older brother.
He replies, “All hell! I’ll have some Cheerios!”
The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room.
“Now, what do you want for breakfast?” The mother says to the younger brother.
“I don’t know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain’t going to be Cheerios!”
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle, and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing his joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
This fella got married, and went on honeymoon to this posh hotel. As the couple had a lot of luggage, the doorman helped them in with it. He found it strange that most of them items were fishing rods, tackle, and all sorts of stuff you need for fishing expeditions.
At 8am the next morning , the newly-wed man was heading out the door laden down with fishing gear, now the doorman was curious so he asked him why he was heading out so early to go fishing while on honeymoon. The man replied ‘Well, it’s a little sad, my wife has gonorrhea so I can’t fuck her’.
‘Oh, I see’ says the doorman, and off the man goes fishing.
Next morning at 7am the fella is heading out, again obviously going fishing. The doorman stops him and says to him, ‘Excuse me sir, I hope you don’t mind me saying, it IS your honeymoon, why aren’t upstairs at least kissing and cuddling your new bride?’
‘Very sad’ replied the newly-wed, ‘can’t kiss her, she’s got pyorrhea’.
‘Oh, fair enough’ says the perplexed doorman, as the the guest goes out the door, fishing tackle, and all.
The following morning at 6am, the by now normal routine happens, the doorman stops the guy again and says ‘Listen sir, I’ve been thinking about your problem and I like to suggest a solution.’
‘Okay, go ahead’ says his guest.’
‘Well,’ says the doorman, why don’t you, ya know, take her from behind?’
‘Very sad’ says the fella, ‘can’t do that, she’s got diarrhea’.
‘Fuck me’ says the exasperated doorman, ‘she’s got gonorrhea so you can’t fuck her, pyorrhea so you can’t kiss her and diarrhea so you can’t even take her from behind! Why DID you marry this woman?’
‘Well,’ says the hotel guest, as he adjusted his fishing rod, ‘she’s a great source for worms.’
As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body.
As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth, when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!'”
“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!'”
“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
A Rabbi, an Imam and a Priest are on a boat, sinking fast in the ocean.
The Imam says, “Praise be to Allah, we must save the children!”
The Rabbi says, “Screw the children!”
The priest says, “Do we have time?”
Q: What runs faster than a black man with your tv?
A: His brother with your computer
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: A rip off
Q: What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker?
A: I don’t cry when I cut up a hooker
John is walking downtown one day, and he sees his old high school friend, Chuck a little ways up ahead.
“Chuck, how are you?” he greets his old buddy, after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Chuck.
“Why, what happened?” John asks.
“Well,” Chuck says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” John replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, John again encounters Chuck, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Chuck. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says John, again with total calm, and goes about his business.
A month later, John runs into Chuck a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he asks.
“Oh!” says Chuck. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
John nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Chuck grabs John by the shoulders.
“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, John , I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
John looks at Chuck with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”
A Catholic priest, and a Jewish Rabbi are walking down the street, when they come across a young boy.
The priest says, “I want to screw that boy so bad.”
To which the rabbi replied, “Out of what?”
A boy walks into a brothel carrying a dead frog. The madam asks what he wants. He says he wants to sleep with the cheapest girl who has herpes. The madam explains that she can’t let a little boy do that, but he insists, and offers to double the rate. The madam agrees, but makes the boy leave the dead frog at the door. She hooks him up with Cheri, an older gal with herpes, and missing a few teeth.
They go into the back room and do their thing. Twenty minutes later, they emerge and the boy goes to exit. The madam stops him and says she has to know why he wanted to sleep with a girl with herpes.
“Well,” said the little boy, “Cheri had herpes, and she gave it to me. When I go home, I’m going to sleep with my babysitter, and give her the herpes. Then when my dad takes the babysitter home, he’ll have sex with her like he always does, and get it from her. Then he’ll come home and have sex with my mom, and she’ll get herpes. Tomorrow morning, she’ll sleep with the mailman, and he’ll get herpes. Then the mailman will go home and molest his son. AND THAT’S THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT KILLED MY FROG!”
Two black guys are strolling along at a state fair. They come upon a gypsy’s tent with a sign in front that reads TURN WHITE FOR ONLY $15.
The black guys look at each other and figure, “Fuck it, why not? Should be good for a laugh.” They go through their pockets; one comes up with only $10, but his buddy has a 20.
“I’ve got it!” the first guy says. “Take your 20 and go in there, then come back with the 5 in change and I can go in.” The second guy agrees, and walks into the tent.
Several minutes go by. The first guy is getting antsy. Suddenly, the flap of the tent opens and out walks the most perfect Aryan specimen of a man you ever did see: tall, well-built, great posture, pale skin, blue eyes and hair like golden flax. He’s even wearing a new suit.
The first black guy is ecstatic. “Holy shit, it worked! Here, give me that $5 so I can do it too!”
The white guy looks at him and says “Fuck you nigger, get a job.”
Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.
The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I’m taking a fol-ate pill.”
The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I’m taking an iron pill.”
The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “This is thalidomide.”
The other two women look in horror. “WHY?!”
The third one calmly replies, “I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater.”
Jane meets Tarzan for the first time in the jungle. Seductively she admires his muscle toned body, and asks “what does Tarzan do when he wants sex?”
Tarzan then replies “Tarzan look for tree with hole in it, then stick dick in”
Jane open her legs revealing a perfectly trimmed pussy and says “why don’t you use me instead”
Tarzan looks, shrugs his shoulders and says “OK” and then without any warning, kicks her straight in the cunt.
Jane screams and says “What the fuck did you do that for?”
Tarzan replies “Tarzan check for squirrels first”