Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 9

Two Brothers

2 brothers yo momma fight

One day two brothers were raking in the front yard.

The older brother, who is 7, says, “Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!”

The younger brother, who is 5, nods with excitement.

The next day, the their mother says, “What do you want for breakfast?” to the older brother.

He replies, “All hell! I’ll have some Cheerios!”

The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room.

“Now, what do you want for breakfast?” The mother says to the younger brother.

“I don’t know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain’t going to be Cheerios!”

 

“I fucked this retarded chick last night.  I wanted my first time to be special.”

 

Q:  What’s the difference between a black man and Dominos pizza?
A:  One of them can feed a family of four

 

Monkey and Lizard

stoner monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle, and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing his joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

 

“I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables.  He told me to prove it, so I pushed him off the balcony.”

 

Newlyweds

newlyweds

This fella got married, and went on honeymoon to this posh hotel.  As the couple had a lot of luggage, the doorman helped them in with it. He found it strange that most of them items were fishing rods, tackle, and all sorts of stuff you need for fishing expeditions.

At 8am the next morning , the newly-wed man was heading out the door laden down with fishing gear, now the doorman was curious so he asked him why he was heading out so early to go fishing while on honeymoon. The man replied ‘Well, it’s a little sad, my wife has gonorrhea so I can’t fuck her’.

‘Oh, I see’ says the doorman, and off the man goes fishing.

Next morning at 7am the fella is heading out, again obviously going fishing. The doorman stops him and says to him, ‘Excuse me sir, I hope you don’t mind me saying, it IS your honeymoon, why aren’t upstairs at least kissing and cuddling your new bride?’
‘Very sad’ replied the newly-wed, ‘can’t kiss her, she’s got pyorrhea’.

‘Oh, fair enough’ says the perplexed doorman, as the the guest goes out the door, fishing tackle, and all.

The following morning at 6am, the by now normal routine happens, the doorman stops the guy again and says ‘Listen sir, I’ve been thinking about your problem and I like to suggest a solution.’

‘Okay, go ahead’ says his guest.’
‘Well,’ says the doorman, why don’t you, ya know, take her from behind?’
‘Very sad’ says the fella, ‘can’t do that, she’s got diarrhea’.

‘Fuck me’ says the exasperated doorman, ‘she’s got gonorrhea so you can’t fuck her, pyorrhea so you can’t kiss her and diarrhea so you can’t even take her from behind! Why DID you marry this woman?’
‘Well,’  says the hotel guest, as he adjusted his fishing rod, ‘she’s a great source for worms.’

 

 

Q:  Whats worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth?

A:  Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth..

 

Q:  Who are the fastest readers?

A:  9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 3 seconds

 

British Squad

british army debrief

As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth, when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!'”

“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!'”

“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”

 

Q:  How do you pick up Jewish girls?
A:  With a dustpan, and brush.

 

“My grandfather once told me, ‘Your generation is too reliant on technology.’
So I replied, ‘No, your generation is too reliant on technology!’
Then I disconnected his life support.”

 

 

A Rabbi, an Imam and a Priest are on a boat, sinking fast in the ocean.

The Imam says, “Praise be to Allah, we must save the children!”

The Rabbi says, “Screw the children!”

The priest says, “Do we have time?”

cancer and herpes

 

Q:  What did the blind, deaf, mute kid get for Christmas?

A:  Cancer