Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 8

A Black and A Parrot

when ducks go bad

A black guy, and a parrot go into a bar.

The surprised barman says “Wow where did you get this?”

“Africa.” answered the parrot

 

Q:  What runs faster than a black man with your tv?
A:  His brother with your computer

 

Pollack and A Pile of Shit

A Pollack walks into a bar with a pile of shit in his hands.

He goes to the barman, and says: “Look! I almost stepped in this.”

Q:  What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A:  A rip off

 

Q:  What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker?

A:  I don’t cry when I cut up a hooker

 

easy bake oven

“So these two muffins are in an oven right, and this one muffin says to- oh wait, they were Jews. So these two Jews are in an oven right?”

 

necrophilia

Drunken Night In The Woods

A guy was walking to a bar to meet his friends,  and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex.

The guy finally gets to the bar, (his freinds nearly drunk already) his good buddy asks  “Why were you  so late.”

The guy tells his buddy about the girl he found, and all the different positions they fucked in.

His buddy gave him a high-five, and asked “Did you get head also?

To which the guy replies “I couldn’t find it.”

 

panty sniffer

“My best friend got mad at me, because he caught me sniffing his sisters panties. It didn’t help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. It really made the rest of her funeral really awkward.”

Rich and Poor Man

rich man poor man

At Christmas time, two men come to meet at an intersection.  One poor, one rich, the poor man breaks the silence.

The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?”

The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.”

The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?”

The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”

The poor man nods.

Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?”

The poor man thinks about it for a second, and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”

The rich man asks, “Why those two things?”

The poor man abruptly responds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

 

Could of Been Worse

it could be worse

John is walking downtown one day, and he sees his old high school friend, Chuck a little ways up ahead.

“Chuck, how are you?” he greets his old buddy, after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Chuck.

“Why, what happened?” John asks.

“Well,” Chuck says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Could have been worse,” John replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”

A month or so later, John again encounters Chuck, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.

“Terrible!” says Chuck. “Our house burned down last night.”

“Could have been worse,” says John, again with total calm, and goes about his business.

A month later, John runs into Chuck a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he asks.

“Oh!” says Chuck. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
John nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”

This time, Chuck grabs John by the shoulders.

“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, John , I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”

John looks at Chuck with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”

 

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 7

I don’t know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don’t like giving women a choice.

microwave it

 

Q:  How does a black woman fight crime?

A:  She has an abortion.

planned parenthood

 

Q:  How do you know when a black woman is pregnant?

A:  When she takes the tampon out and all the cotton has been picked off.

 

A Priest and A Rabbi

A Catholic priest, and a Jewish Rabbi are walking down the street, when they come across a young boy.

The priest says, “I want to screw that boy so bad.”

To which the rabbi replied, “Out of what?”

 

Dead Frog

dead frog

A boy walks into a brothel carrying a dead frog. The madam asks what he wants. He says he wants to sleep with the cheapest girl who has herpes. The madam explains that she can’t let a little boy do that, but he insists, and offers to double the rate. The madam agrees, but makes the boy leave the dead frog at the door. She hooks him up with Cheri, an older gal with herpes, and missing a few teeth.

They go into the back room and do their thing. Twenty minutes later, they emerge and the boy goes to exit. The madam stops him and says she has to know why he wanted to sleep with a girl with herpes.

“Well,” said the little boy, “Cheri had herpes, and she gave it to me. When I go home, I’m going to sleep with my babysitter, and give her the herpes. Then when my dad takes the babysitter home, he’ll have sex with her like he always does, and get it from her. Then he’ll come home and have sex with my mom, and she’ll get herpes. Tomorrow morning, she’ll sleep with the mailman, and he’ll get herpes. Then the mailman will go home and molest his son. AND THAT’S THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT KILLED MY FROG!”

 

Two Black Guys

if you want to be remembered

Two black guys are strolling along at a state fair. They come upon a gypsy’s tent with a sign in front that reads TURN WHITE FOR ONLY $15.

The black guys look at each other and figure, “Fuck it, why not? Should be good for a laugh.” They go through their pockets; one comes up with only $10, but his buddy has a 20.

“I’ve got it!” the first guy says. “Take your 20 and go in there, then come back with the 5 in change and I can go in.” The second guy agrees, and walks into the tent.

Several minutes go by. The first guy is getting antsy. Suddenly, the flap of the tent opens and out walks the most perfect Aryan specimen of a man you ever did see: tall, well-built, great posture, pale skin, blue eyes and hair like golden flax. He’s even wearing a new suit.

The first black guy is ecstatic. “Holy shit, it worked! Here, give me that $5 so I can do it too!”

The white guy looks at him and says “Fuck you nigger, get a job.”

 

Three Pregnant Women

pregnant joke

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.

The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I’m taking a fol-ate pill.”

The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I’m taking an iron pill.”

The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “This is thalidomide.”

The other two women look in horror. “WHY?!”

The third one calmly replies, “I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater.”

 

“I was walking down the street one evening, and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self “I wonder if that’s mine”, so I hurried back home, and lo and behold, it was still there, shining my shoes.”

 

“I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.”

 

Tarzan and Jane

cunt punt

Jane meets Tarzan for the first time in the jungle. Seductively she admires his muscle toned body, and asks “what does Tarzan do when he wants sex?”

Tarzan then replies “Tarzan look for tree with hole in it, then stick dick in”

Jane open her legs revealing a perfectly trimmed pussy and says “why don’t you use me instead”

Tarzan looks, shrugs his shoulders and says “OK” and then without any warning, kicks her straight in the cunt.

Jane screams and says “What the fuck did you do that for?”

Tarzan replies “Tarzan check for squirrels first”