A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.
“Lisa,” she said, “you didn’t tell me you were going to a wedding.”
“I didn’t mom,” Lisa replied. “I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy, and he threw up on me.”
Larry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which go great, Larry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Langon where he can go to see it.
A month later, Larry puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding.
The movie starts, and it’s the filthiest, most perverted porno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers… and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.
Larry is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to an old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.”
The woman turns to Larry and whispers back, “I understand, we’re here to see our dog.”
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to,” replied St. Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,” said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the
executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you’re staff…”
A woman goes to the doctor for a physical. After the exam, the doctor returns with her test results and says, “Well Mrs. Smith, I hope you’re ready to start buying diapers!”
“Goodness,” says the woman, “am I pregnant, doctor?”
“No,” the doctor replies, “you have bowel cancer.”
One Smart Texan
A plane is overweighted and going down over the ocean. The pilot comes over the loudspeaker and requests that three brave souls sacrifice themselves for the survival of everyone else. There are no parachutes.
After a few moments’ reflection, a British gentleman offers to jump. At the door to the plane he shouts, “God Save the Queen!” and leaps to his death.
Not to be outdone, a Frenchman walks to the door, cries, “Viva la France!” and jumps to his death.
Moved by the displays of patriotism, a Texan walks to the door, shouts “Remember the Alamo!” and chucks a Mexican out of the plane.
A little black Jewish boy says to his daddy, “Dad am I more black or Jewish?”
“Why do you ask?”, says the Dad.
The boy says, “Well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can’t decide if I want to haggle him down to $100 or just steal it.”
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree.
A caterpillar gets on the Romanian’s shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it.
Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up, and asks the Somali: “Do you want to buy a caterpillar?”
Two hippies take a hike up to the mountains. They reach the top, and as they look across the beauty of the land, they notice that nearby there are two aliens. Shocked, the couple didn’t know how to respond. The aliens alerted to the intruders, looked directly at them, and signaled they had no intentions of harming the couple.
After some discussion, the aliens, and the hippies decided to swap partners to find out what sex would be like. The female hippie walks off with the male alien, and the male alien drops his pants. She looks down and sees the smallest penis she had ever seen in her life. She burst out laughing in his face, until the male alien explained. “Punch me in the face to make it as long as you can handle, and pull my ears to make it wider.” Show she punches him a few times, then slaps him a couple, and after all that foreplay, she discovers that was the best sex she has ever had in her life.
They go back to meet up with the male hippie, and the female alien, and the male hippie looks worn out.
“So how was it for you?” He asks. Hesitant to speak the truth, she responds: ” It wasn’t so bad, how about for you?”
“I have the worst fucking headache of my life, and my ears are on fire, can we just go home already?!”
One day two brothers were raking in the front yard.
The older brother, who is 7, says, “Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!”
The younger brother, who is 5, nods with excitement.
The next day, the their mother says, “What do you want for breakfast?” to the older brother.
He replies, “All hell! I’ll have some Cheerios!”
The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room.
“Now, what do you want for breakfast?” The mother says to the younger brother.
“I don’t know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain’t going to be Cheerios!”
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle, and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing his joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
This fella got married, and went on honeymoon to this posh hotel. As the couple had a lot of luggage, the doorman helped them in with it. He found it strange that most of them items were fishing rods, tackle, and all sorts of stuff you need for fishing expeditions.
At 8am the next morning , the newly-wed man was heading out the door laden down with fishing gear, now the doorman was curious so he asked him why he was heading out so early to go fishing while on honeymoon. The man replied ‘Well, it’s a little sad, my wife has gonorrhea so I can’t fuck her’.
‘Oh, I see’ says the doorman, and off the man goes fishing.
Next morning at 7am the fella is heading out, again obviously going fishing. The doorman stops him and says to him, ‘Excuse me sir, I hope you don’t mind me saying, it IS your honeymoon, why aren’t upstairs at least kissing and cuddling your new bride?’
‘Very sad’ replied the newly-wed, ‘can’t kiss her, she’s got pyorrhea’.
‘Oh, fair enough’ says the perplexed doorman, as the the guest goes out the door, fishing tackle, and all.
The following morning at 6am, the by now normal routine happens, the doorman stops the guy again and says ‘Listen sir, I’ve been thinking about your problem and I like to suggest a solution.’
‘Okay, go ahead’ says his guest.’
‘Well,’ says the doorman, why don’t you, ya know, take her from behind?’
‘Very sad’ says the fella, ‘can’t do that, she’s got diarrhea’.
‘Fuck me’ says the exasperated doorman, ‘she’s got gonorrhea so you can’t fuck her, pyorrhea so you can’t kiss her and diarrhea so you can’t even take her from behind! Why DID you marry this woman?’
‘Well,’ says the hotel guest, as he adjusted his fishing rod, ‘she’s a great source for worms.’
As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body.
As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth, when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!'”
“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!'”
“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
A Rabbi, an Imam and a Priest are on a boat, sinking fast in the ocean.
The Imam says, “Praise be to Allah, we must save the children!”
The Rabbi says, “Screw the children!”
The priest says, “Do we have time?”