A Black and A Parrot
A black guy, and a parrot go into a bar.
The surprised barman says “Wow where did you get this?”
“Africa.” answered the parrot
Q: What runs faster than a black man with your tv?
A: His brother with your computer
Pollack and A Pile of Shit
A Pollack walks into a bar with a pile of shit in his hands.
He goes to the barman, and says: “Look! I almost stepped in this.”
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: A rip off
Q: What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker?
A: I don’t cry when I cut up a hooker
“So these two muffins are in an oven right, and this one muffin says to- oh wait, they were Jews. So these two Jews are in an oven right?”
Drunken Night In The Woods
A guy was walking to a bar to meet his friends, and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.
He untied her and they had sex.
The guy finally gets to the bar, (his freinds nearly drunk already) his good buddy asks “Why were you so late.”
The guy tells his buddy about the girl he found, and all the different positions they fucked in.
His buddy gave him a high-five, and asked “Did you get head also?
To which the guy replies “I couldn’t find it.”
“My best friend got mad at me, because he caught me sniffing his sisters panties. It didn’t help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. It really made the rest of her funeral really awkward.”
Rich and Poor Man
At Christmas time, two men come to meet at an intersection. One poor, one rich, the poor man breaks the silence.
The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?”
The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.”
The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?”
The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”
The poor man nods.
Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?”
The poor man thinks about it for a second, and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asks, “Why those two things?”
The poor man abruptly responds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”
Could of Been Worse
John is walking downtown one day, and he sees his old high school friend, Chuck a little ways up ahead.
“Chuck, how are you?” he greets his old buddy, after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Chuck.
“Why, what happened?” John asks.
“Well,” Chuck says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” John replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, John again encounters Chuck, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Chuck. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says John, again with total calm, and goes about his business.
A month later, John runs into Chuck a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he asks.
“Oh!” says Chuck. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
John nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Chuck grabs John by the shoulders.
“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, John , I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
John looks at Chuck with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”