Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 4

Cancer

that post gave me cancer

It’s Christmas morning. Tom, and Timmy wake up at the crack of dawn.  They both run down the hall to drag their parents out of bed, and fly down the stairs to the presents around the tree.

Tom sends a whirlwind of paper flying in every direction, at last he is finished opening his presents.  Tom has all these great presents: a video game system, a Nerf gun that shoots 8 projectiles, an electric train set, and a new bicycle. But then he notices that Timmy only got one present.  A Matchbox car, which he’s pushing back, and forth in the corner.

“Gee, Timmy,” Tom says, “I guess I sure got more presents than you this year.”

Timmy says, “Yeah, well at least I don’t have cancer.”

fuckery department

Random

Q:  What has two legs, but can’t walk?
A:  Half a dog.

Q:  What’s black and white and can’t go through a revolving door?
A:  A nun with a spear through her head.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?
-Neither did she.

Q:  Why didn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?
A:  She was wearing mittens.

Q:  How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
A:  Break her fingers.

Q:  Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
A:  Because she’s a woman.

tough guy cancer

Cancer #2

A doctor is meeting with a patient who hadn’t seen a physician in 20 years.

Doctor: “I just got your test results back, and unfortunately none of it is good news. In fact, you’re suffering from two different very serious conditions.”

Patient: “Well doc, tell me about the worst first, just to get it out of the way.”

Doctor: “All right. You have a very advanced case of an incurable form of cancer. You have, at maximum, one month to live.”

Patient: “Wow. That’s pretty bad. So what’s the other condition?”

Doctor: “You have a quite advanced case of Alzheimer’s, with some severe neurological degeneration.”

Patient: “Wow. That’s pretty bad. But I guess I should be thankful; at least I don’t have cancer!”

 

911 jumper

Lunch Time Brothers 

During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on a the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of an I-beam to eat their lunch.

One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. “I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I’m going to jump off this building.” But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.

Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. “If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I’m going to jump off this building.” But he still bites into the sandwich.

Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. “If I get perogies one more time, I swear I’m going to jump off this building,” he says.

So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it’s perogies, and jumps himself.

At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.

“I don’t understand!” the wife of the Irishman says. “If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!”

The wife of the Italian sighs. “I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese–I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!”

The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. “I don’t understand,” she said. “He always packed his own lunch!”

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 3

Drug Dog

dog drags his ass

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his Black Lab in the middle seat, next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog, and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. “His name is Sniffer and he’s our top dog. I’ll show you once we get in the air, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.”
He told Sniffer to “search”. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat, and put a paw on the
agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent “What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb.”

 

Flying Baby

baby on a board

The doctor goes out to the waiting room and says, “Mr. Smith, you can come in and see your baby.”

Mr. Smith goes in to see the doctor holding a swaddled child. “Mr. Smith, you’re the father of a baby boy, and I have amazing news: your baby can fly! Just watch!” The doctor tosses the child in the air and steps back. The infant falls with a sickening thud to the floor.

Mr. Smith cries out in horror as the doctor scoops up the baby. “That’s weird, it worked before. Let me try again,” he says, hurling the baby across the room. The baby bangs into the opposite wall and again falls to the floor.

The dad runs over to pick up his child, but the doctor gets there first. “Listen, I know he can fly, lemme try one more thing,” he says, and, opening a window, throws the child outside. The baby, of course, falls the eleven stories out the window to the ground.

With a scream of rage, the father tackles the doctor and wraps his hands around the doctor’s neck, strangling him. With his last breath, the doctor chokes out, “I was…just…kidding…your baby was…born dead….”

 

Thursday

how do mexicans feel about the wall

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, “TGIF!”

The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, “SPIT!”

The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again “TGIF!”

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, “SPIT!”

This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, “Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?” and the cowboy replies, “Hell ya I know what it means, ‘Thank God It’s Friday!'”

The bartender asks the Mexican guy, “Okay, so what does ‘SPIT’ mean?” and the Mexican replies, “Stupid Pendejo It’s Thursday!”

 

Some Shorts:

“So I was going down on my grandma the other night, and I tasted horse semen. I stopped for a second and thought to myself: is this how she died?”

 

“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women’s skirts today,” a man told the barman after his second whiskey.
“That’s pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn’t it?” The barman asked.
“Not on Fucking eBay it isn’t!”

 

 

Dark Humor : Dark Jokes Pt. 2

Native Captivity

pineapple

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says “Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you.” So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him.

They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so that’s why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

 

BIlly Bob

smiling redneck

 

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.

 

Alien Lord

An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert, and demands to see the ruler of this planet, and make it bow to his will.  Except he made two grave mistakes.

First he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night, and second he didn’t know anything about the inhabitants.

So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump, and demands it to take him to the leader. Well it’s a gas pump so it doesn’t say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says “This is the last time I ask earthling!”

Just then his general whispers to him “Hey calm down buddy don’t mess with this guy, he’s a badass motherfucker.”

Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM! A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.

As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks “We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I’ve never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?”

The general looks over and says “Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker.”

 

Baby In A Blender

Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?

A: I didn’t catch it, I was too busy masturbating.

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes

CIA Job Application

operation mocking bird

The CIA had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to strangle that bitch to death’.

 

Mortician

morticians slogan

While examining the the body of Mr. Johnson, a mortician notices that Johnson has the largest penis he has ever seen. “I’m sorry, Mr. Johnson,” says the mortician, “But I can’t send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” she screams, “Johnson is dead!”

 

Bovine Justice

bovine justice

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.

The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull’s testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The man tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The man agrees.

The next day the man goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies: “Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins”.

 

Eating Vegetables

Q: What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.