Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 11

spoiler alert everybody dies

 

Q:  How do you make a dead baby float?
A:  1 scoop of ice cream, and 2 scoops of dead baby.

 

 

Chinese Date

me chinese me play joke

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.

“Lisa,” she said, “you didn’t tell me you were going to a wedding.”

“I didn’t mom,” Lisa replied. “I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy, and he threw up on me.”

 

Q: What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
A: I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it.

 

Trumpet Score

monty python ass trumpets

Larry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Larry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Langon where he can go to see it.

A month later, Larry puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding.

The movie starts, and it’s the filthiest, most perverted porno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers… and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.

Larry is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to an old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.”

The woman turns to Larry and whispers back, “I understand, we’re here to see our dog.”

 

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest, and acne?
A: Acne doesn’t come on a boys face, until after he’s thirteen.

 

Heaven or Hell

stair way to heaven or highway to hell

 

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to,” replied St. Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,” said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the
executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you’re staff…”

 

“My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…”

 

A woman goes to the doctor for a physical. After the exam, the doctor returns with her test results and says, “Well Mrs. Smith, I hope you’re ready to start buying diapers!”

“Goodness,” says the woman, “am I pregnant, doctor?”

“No,” the doctor replies, “you have bowel cancer.”

 

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

 

One Smart Texan

meanwhile in texas

A plane is overweighted and going down over the ocean. The pilot comes over the loudspeaker and requests that three brave souls sacrifice themselves for the survival of everyone else. There are no parachutes.

After a few moments’ reflection, a British gentleman offers to jump. At the door to the plane he shouts, “God Save the Queen!” and leaps to his death.

Not to be outdone, a Frenchman walks to the door, cries, “Viva la France!” and jumps to his death.

Moved by the displays of patriotism, a Texan walks to the door, shouts “Remember the Alamo!” and chucks a Mexican out of the plane.

 

Girl: “Hey, what’s up?”

Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 10

dick on face

Little Black Jewish Boy

A little black Jewish boy says to his daddy, “Dad am I more black or Jewish?”
“Why do you ask?”, says the Dad.
The boy says, “Well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can’t decide if I want to haggle him down to $100 or just steal it.”

 

Q:  What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

A:  GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.

rip thomas

Bulgarian Train Driver

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

 

irish special forces

Morman And An Irishman

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

 

 

kike on a bike

Romanian, Jew, and Somali

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree.

A caterpillar gets on the Romanian’s shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it.

Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up, and asks the Somali: “Do you want to buy a caterpillar?”

 

Q:  What happens when a Jew with an erection runs into a wall?

A:  He breaks his nose.

 

Q:  Whats a Jews worst dilemma?

A:  Free ham.

 

 

high as fuck

Inter-Species Encounters

Two hippies take a hike up to the mountains.  They reach the top, and as they look across the beauty of the land, they notice that nearby there are two aliens.  Shocked, the couple didn’t know how to respond.  The aliens alerted to the intruders, looked directly at them, and signaled they had no intentions of harming the couple.

After some discussion, the aliens, and the hippies decided to swap partners to find out what sex would be like.  The female hippie walks off with the male alien, and the male alien drops his pants.  She looks down and sees the smallest penis she had ever seen in her life.  She burst out laughing in his face, until the male alien explained.  “Punch me in the face to make it as long as you can handle, and pull my ears to make it wider.”  Show she punches him a few times, then slaps him a couple, and after all that foreplay, she discovers that was the best sex she has ever had in her life.

They go back to meet up with the male hippie, and the female alien, and the male hippie looks worn out.

“So how was it for you?” He asks.  Hesitant to speak the truth, she responds: ” It wasn’t so bad, how about for you?”

“I have the worst fucking headache of my life, and my ears are on fire, can we just go home already?!”

 

“Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.”

 

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”

 

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 9

Two Brothers

2 brothers yo momma fight

One day two brothers were raking in the front yard.

The older brother, who is 7, says, “Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!”

The younger brother, who is 5, nods with excitement.

The next day, the their mother says, “What do you want for breakfast?” to the older brother.

He replies, “All hell! I’ll have some Cheerios!”

The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room.

“Now, what do you want for breakfast?” The mother says to the younger brother.

“I don’t know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain’t going to be Cheerios!”

 

“I fucked this retarded chick last night.  I wanted my first time to be special.”

 

Q:  What’s the difference between a black man and Dominos pizza?
A:  One of them can feed a family of four

 

Monkey and Lizard

stoner monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle, and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing his joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

 

“I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables.  He told me to prove it, so I pushed him off the balcony.”

 

Newlyweds

newlyweds

This fella got married, and went on honeymoon to this posh hotel.  As the couple had a lot of luggage, the doorman helped them in with it. He found it strange that most of them items were fishing rods, tackle, and all sorts of stuff you need for fishing expeditions.

At 8am the next morning , the newly-wed man was heading out the door laden down with fishing gear, now the doorman was curious so he asked him why he was heading out so early to go fishing while on honeymoon. The man replied ‘Well, it’s a little sad, my wife has gonorrhea so I can’t fuck her’.

‘Oh, I see’ says the doorman, and off the man goes fishing.

Next morning at 7am the fella is heading out, again obviously going fishing. The doorman stops him and says to him, ‘Excuse me sir, I hope you don’t mind me saying, it IS your honeymoon, why aren’t upstairs at least kissing and cuddling your new bride?’
‘Very sad’ replied the newly-wed, ‘can’t kiss her, she’s got pyorrhea’.

‘Oh, fair enough’ says the perplexed doorman, as the the guest goes out the door, fishing tackle, and all.

The following morning at 6am, the by now normal routine happens, the doorman stops the guy again and says ‘Listen sir, I’ve been thinking about your problem and I like to suggest a solution.’

‘Okay, go ahead’ says his guest.’
‘Well,’ says the doorman, why don’t you, ya know, take her from behind?’
‘Very sad’ says the fella, ‘can’t do that, she’s got diarrhea’.

‘Fuck me’ says the exasperated doorman, ‘she’s got gonorrhea so you can’t fuck her, pyorrhea so you can’t kiss her and diarrhea so you can’t even take her from behind! Why DID you marry this woman?’
‘Well,’  says the hotel guest, as he adjusted his fishing rod, ‘she’s a great source for worms.’

 

 

Q:  Whats worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth?

A:  Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth..

 

Q:  Who are the fastest readers?

A:  9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 3 seconds

 

British Squad

british army debrief

As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth, when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!'”

“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!'”

“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”

 

Q:  How do you pick up Jewish girls?
A:  With a dustpan, and brush.

 

“My grandfather once told me, ‘Your generation is too reliant on technology.’
So I replied, ‘No, your generation is too reliant on technology!’
Then I disconnected his life support.”

 

 

A Rabbi, an Imam and a Priest are on a boat, sinking fast in the ocean.

The Imam says, “Praise be to Allah, we must save the children!”

The Rabbi says, “Screw the children!”

The priest says, “Do we have time?”

cancer and herpes

 

Q:  What did the blind, deaf, mute kid get for Christmas?

A:  Cancer

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 8

A Black and A Parrot

when ducks go bad

A black guy, and a parrot go into a bar.

The surprised barman says “Wow where did you get this?”

“Africa.” answered the parrot

 

Q:  What runs faster than a black man with your tv?
A:  His brother with your computer

 

Pollack and A Pile of Shit

A Pollack walks into a bar with a pile of shit in his hands.

He goes to the barman, and says: “Look! I almost stepped in this.”

Q:  What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A:  A rip off

 

Q:  What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker?

A:  I don’t cry when I cut up a hooker

 

easy bake oven

“So these two muffins are in an oven right, and this one muffin says to- oh wait, they were Jews. So these two Jews are in an oven right?”

 

necrophilia

Drunken Night In The Woods

A guy was walking to a bar to meet his friends,  and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex.

The guy finally gets to the bar, (his freinds nearly drunk already) his good buddy asks  “Why were you  so late.”

The guy tells his buddy about the girl he found, and all the different positions they fucked in.

His buddy gave him a high-five, and asked “Did you get head also?

To which the guy replies “I couldn’t find it.”

 

panty sniffer

“My best friend got mad at me, because he caught me sniffing his sisters panties. It didn’t help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. It really made the rest of her funeral really awkward.”

Rich and Poor Man

rich man poor man

At Christmas time, two men come to meet at an intersection.  One poor, one rich, the poor man breaks the silence.

The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?”

The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.”

The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?”

The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”

The poor man nods.

Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?”

The poor man thinks about it for a second, and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”

The rich man asks, “Why those two things?”

The poor man abruptly responds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

 

Could of Been Worse

it could be worse

John is walking downtown one day, and he sees his old high school friend, Chuck a little ways up ahead.

“Chuck, how are you?” he greets his old buddy, after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Chuck.

“Why, what happened?” John asks.

“Well,” Chuck says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Could have been worse,” John replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”

A month or so later, John again encounters Chuck, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.

“Terrible!” says Chuck. “Our house burned down last night.”

“Could have been worse,” says John, again with total calm, and goes about his business.

A month later, John runs into Chuck a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he asks.

“Oh!” says Chuck. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
John nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”

This time, Chuck grabs John by the shoulders.

“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, John , I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”

John looks at Chuck with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”

 

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 7

I don’t know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don’t like giving women a choice.

microwave it

 

Q:  How does a black woman fight crime?

A:  She has an abortion.

planned parenthood

 

Q:  How do you know when a black woman is pregnant?

A:  When she takes the tampon out and all the cotton has been picked off.

 

A Priest and A Rabbi

A Catholic priest, and a Jewish Rabbi are walking down the street, when they come across a young boy.

The priest says, “I want to screw that boy so bad.”

To which the rabbi replied, “Out of what?”

 

Dead Frog

dead frog

A boy walks into a brothel carrying a dead frog. The madam asks what he wants. He says he wants to sleep with the cheapest girl who has herpes. The madam explains that she can’t let a little boy do that, but he insists, and offers to double the rate. The madam agrees, but makes the boy leave the dead frog at the door. She hooks him up with Cheri, an older gal with herpes, and missing a few teeth.

They go into the back room and do their thing. Twenty minutes later, they emerge and the boy goes to exit. The madam stops him and says she has to know why he wanted to sleep with a girl with herpes.

“Well,” said the little boy, “Cheri had herpes, and she gave it to me. When I go home, I’m going to sleep with my babysitter, and give her the herpes. Then when my dad takes the babysitter home, he’ll have sex with her like he always does, and get it from her. Then he’ll come home and have sex with my mom, and she’ll get herpes. Tomorrow morning, she’ll sleep with the mailman, and he’ll get herpes. Then the mailman will go home and molest his son. AND THAT’S THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT KILLED MY FROG!”

 

Two Black Guys

if you want to be remembered

Two black guys are strolling along at a state fair. They come upon a gypsy’s tent with a sign in front that reads TURN WHITE FOR ONLY $15.

The black guys look at each other and figure, “Fuck it, why not? Should be good for a laugh.” They go through their pockets; one comes up with only $10, but his buddy has a 20.

“I’ve got it!” the first guy says. “Take your 20 and go in there, then come back with the 5 in change and I can go in.” The second guy agrees, and walks into the tent.

Several minutes go by. The first guy is getting antsy. Suddenly, the flap of the tent opens and out walks the most perfect Aryan specimen of a man you ever did see: tall, well-built, great posture, pale skin, blue eyes and hair like golden flax. He’s even wearing a new suit.

The first black guy is ecstatic. “Holy shit, it worked! Here, give me that $5 so I can do it too!”

The white guy looks at him and says “Fuck you nigger, get a job.”

 

Three Pregnant Women

pregnant joke

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.

The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I’m taking a fol-ate pill.”

The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I’m taking an iron pill.”

The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “This is thalidomide.”

The other two women look in horror. “WHY?!”

The third one calmly replies, “I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater.”

 

“I was walking down the street one evening, and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self “I wonder if that’s mine”, so I hurried back home, and lo and behold, it was still there, shining my shoes.”

 

“I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.”

 

Tarzan and Jane

cunt punt

Jane meets Tarzan for the first time in the jungle. Seductively she admires his muscle toned body, and asks “what does Tarzan do when he wants sex?”

Tarzan then replies “Tarzan look for tree with hole in it, then stick dick in”

Jane open her legs revealing a perfectly trimmed pussy and says “why don’t you use me instead”

Tarzan looks, shrugs his shoulders and says “OK” and then without any warning, kicks her straight in the cunt.

Jane screams and says “What the fuck did you do that for?”

Tarzan replies “Tarzan check for squirrels first”

 

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 6

I’ll Have A Coke

i'll have a coke

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert.  All three are starting to get tired, when they come across a lamp sticking out of the sand.

The black guy dives for the lamp, and holds it up for all to see.  The Mexicans tells them the a story about a magic Genie, and how the Genie grants three wishes.

They decide to rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. The Genie gave them each a wish.

The black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa.

“Done” says the Genie, and the black guy disappears.

The Mexican guy goes next.  He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico.

“Done” says the Genie, and the Mexican disappears.

Now it’s the White guy’s turn. He asks the Genie, “So all the niggers and spics are out of the country?”

“Yeah,” says the genie.

The white guy says, “Well, I guess I’ll have a Coke.”

 

Shorts

Q:  What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?

A:  Who ordered the 2 jumbo’s?

 

Q:  How do you stop a gay from drowning?

A:  Take your foot of his head!

 

Q:  What do you call a faggot in a wheelchair?

A:  Rolaids.

 

Q:  What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

A:  You can’t take a joke.

 

Q:  What’s black and screams?

A:  Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

 

Q:  How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

A:  None… he fell.

 

Q:  What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?

A:  Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

 

Q:  Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven?

A:  God gave him his gas bill.

 

Now Your Fucked

you're fucked

A twenty-five year old disabled girl, with no arms or legs, is sitting in her wheelchair at the park. All of a sudden she starts to cry.

A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying.

She replies “I’m nearly thirty years old, and I’ve never been fucked! Will you help me?”

The man can’t resist her, she’s weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.

He proceeds to push the chair and says that they’re going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach, and the man hires a small boat.

“How romantic”, the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair, and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.

“I told you I would help you and now I will.” The man says.

The man stands up, the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard.

“NOW your fucked!” he says,  and rows  away.

 

Is It True What They Say?

around blacks never relax

A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.

When the couple arrives at the woman’s apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.

However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, “before you take them off….is it true what they say about black guys?”

With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes, and said “Baby, of course.” He then proceeded to stab her, and ran out with her purse.

 

 

One Night At A Whore House

crack whore

A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, “Betsy. She’s down the hall, last door on the left.”

The guy walks down to see Betsy.  She’s not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in her, and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick.  Like sandpaper, and teeth.

He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?”

Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” He pays her, she pockets the fiver, runs to the bathroom.

When she returns, the guy sticks it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash.

Panting, he asks her, “Oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??”

Betsy smiles, and says, “For the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs.”

 

A Few On The Jew

fuck jews

Q:  What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall?

A:  A broken nose

 

Q:  What’s a Jew’s biggest dilemma?

A:  Free ham.

 

Q:  What do Jewish pedophiles say?

A:  “Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

 

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 5

Chilli 

i made chili out of his parents

A man walks into a diner, goes up to the counter, and orders a bowl a chili. The waitress says “That man sitting next to you just ordered the last bowl.” The man was just sitting there, not eating the chili, for a while.

‘Are you going to eat that?’ the first man asked. ‘No, you can have it if you want,’ the second man answered. So he took the bowl and started eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he was chewing, and felt a crunch. The man looked down, and saw half of a rat sitting in the chili. He immediately threw up, all over the table, managing to get some back into the bowl.

The second man said, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got too.”

A Clown

reign and heil

Hitler and his generals are going over his plans for the Jews. “I’m going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown.”

One of his generals asks, “Why a clown?”

Hitler responds, “See I told you no one cares about the Jews!”

 

Chunks

chunks reaction

A man goes to the local bar, and asks the bartender,”Hey what’s a good beer for tonight friend?”

The bartender replies, “I’m always a fan of Blue Moon.”

The man instantly appalled says, “No way the last time I got drunk on that, I had to crawl home, and when I finally made it in the door, I blew chunks.”

The bartender replies, “Well that’s to be expected when you get drunk, you’re old enough to know that.”

The man replies, “I don’t think you understand, Chunks is my dog.”

 

Random Shorts

that's a spoon

Q:  What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

A:  Gangrape.

 

Q:  Did you hear the one about the child with AIDs?

A:  It never gets old.

 

Q:  What’s the difference between a feminist, and a hockey player?

A:  The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

 

Q:  What’s better than winning the Special Olympics?

A:  Not being retarded.

 

Q:  What’s the difference between acne, and a Catholic priest?

A:  Acne waits until 13 to come all over your face.

 

Q:  Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

A:  It wasn’t born yesterday.

 

Confession

confession comes to you

So a janitor is doing his rounds, and cleaning up a church he works at, when the priest comes out frantic from the back.  He approaches the janitor, exhaling profusely, “I’m so sorry, sir, I really have to take a shit… I’ve been holding it for the last hour, I’m about to make a mess of myself!  Please, I’ll need you to cover!  May you, my child?”

The janitor looks around, “I don’t know if I know exactly how to…”,  The Priest replies “it’s nothing, just sit in the confession booth, and wait.  I should not be too long.  A few hail Mary’s, and send them on their way, unless it’s something you feel you shouldn’t, in which case seek help from one of our nuns.”

The priest leaves, and the janitor sits in the confession booth and waits… Finally, a man walks in: “Forgive me my father for I have sinned…  I forged a check from my office, and I fear I will lose my job if the CEO finds out.”

The janitor replies: “You shall be fine, say 10 Hail Mary’s, my child.”

The next comes in, “Forgive me father for I have sinned… I slept with my neighbors wife…”, he thinks to himself, it’s bad, but it happens. “30 Hail Mary’s, and 10 Our Fathers’ my son, God bless.”

The next comes in, a young woman, with worry in her voice, “Uh, forgive me, but I’ve sinned… Bad. I got drunk with a few boys… About 10, maybe more, and let them all have sex with me… But I’m a virgin, so, you know… Not there.  My mouth, too.”

“Oh shit”, he thinks, “let me think my child.” He runs out seeking help, but no one. Finally, he sees a lonely choir boy walking with lit candles… “choir boy! I’m sorry, this may be blunt, but what would the priest give for… Well, blowjobs and anal…”

The choir boy responds, “about $10 and a snickers.”

 

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 4

Cancer

that post gave me cancer

It’s Christmas morning. Tom, and Timmy wake up at the crack of dawn.  They both run down the hall to drag their parents out of bed, and fly down the stairs to the presents around the tree.

Tom sends a whirlwind of paper flying in every direction, at last he is finished opening his presents.  Tom has all these great presents: a video game system, a Nerf gun that shoots 8 projectiles, an electric train set, and a new bicycle. But then he notices that Timmy only got one present.  A Matchbox car, which he’s pushing back, and forth in the corner.

“Gee, Timmy,” Tom says, “I guess I sure got more presents than you this year.”

Timmy says, “Yeah, well at least I don’t have cancer.”

fuckery department

Random

Q:  What has two legs, but can’t walk?
A:  Half a dog.

Q:  What’s black and white and can’t go through a revolving door?
A:  A nun with a spear through her head.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?
-Neither did she.

Q:  Why didn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?
A:  She was wearing mittens.

Q:  How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
A:  Break her fingers.

Q:  Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
A:  Because she’s a woman.

tough guy cancer

Cancer #2

A doctor is meeting with a patient who hadn’t seen a physician in 20 years.

Doctor: “I just got your test results back, and unfortunately none of it is good news. In fact, you’re suffering from two different very serious conditions.”

Patient: “Well doc, tell me about the worst first, just to get it out of the way.”

Doctor: “All right. You have a very advanced case of an incurable form of cancer. You have, at maximum, one month to live.”

Patient: “Wow. That’s pretty bad. So what’s the other condition?”

Doctor: “You have a quite advanced case of Alzheimer’s, with some severe neurological degeneration.”

Patient: “Wow. That’s pretty bad. But I guess I should be thankful; at least I don’t have cancer!”

 

911 jumper

Lunch Time Brothers 

During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on a the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of an I-beam to eat their lunch.

One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. “I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I’m going to jump off this building.” But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.

Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. “If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I’m going to jump off this building.” But he still bites into the sandwich.

Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. “If I get perogies one more time, I swear I’m going to jump off this building,” he says.

So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it’s perogies, and jumps himself.

At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.

“I don’t understand!” the wife of the Irishman says. “If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!”

The wife of the Italian sighs. “I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese–I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!”

The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. “I don’t understand,” she said. “He always packed his own lunch!”

Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 3

Drug Dog

dog drags his ass

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his Black Lab in the middle seat, next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog, and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. “His name is Sniffer and he’s our top dog. I’ll show you once we get in the air, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.”
He told Sniffer to “search”. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat, and put a paw on the
agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent “What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb.”

 

Flying Baby

baby on a board

The doctor goes out to the waiting room and says, “Mr. Smith, you can come in and see your baby.”

Mr. Smith goes in to see the doctor holding a swaddled child. “Mr. Smith, you’re the father of a baby boy, and I have amazing news: your baby can fly! Just watch!” The doctor tosses the child in the air and steps back. The infant falls with a sickening thud to the floor.

Mr. Smith cries out in horror as the doctor scoops up the baby. “That’s weird, it worked before. Let me try again,” he says, hurling the baby across the room. The baby bangs into the opposite wall and again falls to the floor.

The dad runs over to pick up his child, but the doctor gets there first. “Listen, I know he can fly, lemme try one more thing,” he says, and, opening a window, throws the child outside. The baby, of course, falls the eleven stories out the window to the ground.

With a scream of rage, the father tackles the doctor and wraps his hands around the doctor’s neck, strangling him. With his last breath, the doctor chokes out, “I was…just…kidding…your baby was…born dead….”

 

Thursday

how do mexicans feel about the wall

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, “TGIF!”

The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, “SPIT!”

The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again “TGIF!”

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, “SPIT!”

This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, “Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?” and the cowboy replies, “Hell ya I know what it means, ‘Thank God It’s Friday!'”

The bartender asks the Mexican guy, “Okay, so what does ‘SPIT’ mean?” and the Mexican replies, “Stupid Pendejo It’s Thursday!”

 

Some Shorts:

“So I was going down on my grandma the other night, and I tasted horse semen. I stopped for a second and thought to myself: is this how she died?”

 

“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women’s skirts today,” a man told the barman after his second whiskey.
“That’s pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn’t it?” The barman asked.
“Not on Fucking eBay it isn’t!”

 

 

Dark Humor : Dark Jokes Pt. 2

Native Captivity

pineapple

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says “Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you.” So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him.

They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so that’s why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

 

BIlly Bob

smiling redneck

 

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.

 

Alien Lord

An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert, and demands to see the ruler of this planet, and make it bow to his will.  Except he made two grave mistakes.

First he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night, and second he didn’t know anything about the inhabitants.

So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump, and demands it to take him to the leader. Well it’s a gas pump so it doesn’t say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says “This is the last time I ask earthling!”

Just then his general whispers to him “Hey calm down buddy don’t mess with this guy, he’s a badass motherfucker.”

Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM! A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.

As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks “We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I’ve never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?”

The general looks over and says “Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker.”

 

Baby In A Blender

Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?

A: I didn’t catch it, I was too busy masturbating.