Dark Humor: Dark Jokes Pt. 3

Drug Dog

dog drags his ass

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his Black Lab in the middle seat, next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog, and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. “His name is Sniffer and he’s our top dog. I’ll show you once we get in the air, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.”
He told Sniffer to “search”. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat, and put a paw on the
agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent “What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb.”

 

Flying Baby

baby on a board

The doctor goes out to the waiting room and says, “Mr. Smith, you can come in and see your baby.”

Mr. Smith goes in to see the doctor holding a swaddled child. “Mr. Smith, you’re the father of a baby boy, and I have amazing news: your baby can fly! Just watch!” The doctor tosses the child in the air and steps back. The infant falls with a sickening thud to the floor.

Mr. Smith cries out in horror as the doctor scoops up the baby. “That’s weird, it worked before. Let me try again,” he says, hurling the baby across the room. The baby bangs into the opposite wall and again falls to the floor.

The dad runs over to pick up his child, but the doctor gets there first. “Listen, I know he can fly, lemme try one more thing,” he says, and, opening a window, throws the child outside. The baby, of course, falls the eleven stories out the window to the ground.

With a scream of rage, the father tackles the doctor and wraps his hands around the doctor’s neck, strangling him. With his last breath, the doctor chokes out, “I was…just…kidding…your baby was…born dead….”

 

Thursday

how do mexicans feel about the wall

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, “TGIF!”

The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, “SPIT!”

The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again “TGIF!”

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, “SPIT!”

This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, “Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?” and the cowboy replies, “Hell ya I know what it means, ‘Thank God It’s Friday!'”

The bartender asks the Mexican guy, “Okay, so what does ‘SPIT’ mean?” and the Mexican replies, “Stupid Pendejo It’s Thursday!”

 

Some Shorts:

“So I was going down on my grandma the other night, and I tasted horse semen. I stopped for a second and thought to myself: is this how she died?”

 

“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women’s skirts today,” a man told the barman after his second whiskey.
“That’s pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn’t it?” The barman asked.
“Not on Fucking eBay it isn’t!”

 

 

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