3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says “Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you.” So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him.
They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so that’s why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert, and demands to see the ruler of this planet, and make it bow to his will. Except he made two grave mistakes.
First he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night, and second he didn’t know anything about the inhabitants.
So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump, and demands it to take him to the leader. Well it’s a gas pump so it doesn’t say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says “This is the last time I ask earthling!”
Just then his general whispers to him “Hey calm down buddy don’t mess with this guy, he’s a badass motherfucker.”
Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM! A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.
As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks “We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I’ve never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?”
The general looks over and says “Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker.”
Baby In A Blender
Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?
A: I didn’t catch it, I was too busy masturbating.